life's heartaches

Last week I had the intention of sitting down and writing an entry but I just wasn't ready to put my feelings into words just yet. The emotion was still too raw and tangible.  I also wasn't ready to look for the pictures that went along with my feelings just yet.  In fact, I couldn't even bear to download recent photographs off my camera because I knew who I would see.  However, I was getting close, and smiles of great memories were beginning to become more common than the tears of loss.

And then Friday happened and I was pulled right back to that place of hurt and sadness and asking the question of why did this have to happen?  I sobbed all afternoon listening to the coverage, all the while fighting the urge to jump in the car to the elementary school to put my daughter back in my arms.  Gutted with the unimaginable thought of not knowing if my kids were safe, I couldn't fathom what  the families were going through.  And now instead of planning for the "most wonderful time of year", too many have to adjust to the sudden loss of the family they knew because the unthinkable has happened to their own children and family members.

This weekend as I  held my babies extra close, I wiped away many tears,  I also wished that holiday break was here so my kids didn't need to leave my sight. The rational side of me knows that schools are safe places and of course we all need to keep going,  but we also have been reminded that unthinkable things do happen.  Makenna didn't feel well tonight, had a low grade fever and I admit that I was kind of relieved that she may need to stay home from school tomorrow.  We could have a pajama day and I can love on her all day long.  Even if it's more for mommy, for once I wouldn't mind a little cold because that would transpire into a day for momma and her babies.   Either way, I know we have to resume our lives at some point and not live in that fear.

Almost two weeks ago on Tuesday, another day that started so normally but made a drastic turn.  Scott headed to a client meeting downtown, Makenna was dropped off at the elementary school and Rylan went to preschool.  I came home and while working on the computer I heard our older dog Cassidy throwing up. I attended to her immediately and with in a few minutes I knew something was wrong. Her eyes were empty and her body pretty limp.  I called Scott and told him something was happening to Cass and I wasn't sure she was in a good place.  I sat with her, petting her gently, telling her how much I loved her and what a good pup she was.  She put her face in my two hands and her breathing suddenly became quiet,  and soon she left this life and took her last breath, just moments before Scott got back home.

Playing and laying in the sun on the Sunday before she died

I'll remember her for so many things but the biggest is unconditional, loyal love.  She was a lover as most Goldens are and would insist on some pets by nosing her snout into your hand. On days where I was sad, she wouldn't leave me alone and insisted on helping me through the day by just being right there.  She loved walks and most recently enjoyed running the fields at the dog park.   Cassidy welcomed Abby into our home with ease and every night after the kids were in bed the two of them would play together and she bounced around with the agility of a puppy.  She tolerated the kids love, even when it turned into aggressive patting, tail pulling or riding her like a horse.  Her favorite game was to play hide and seek, and when the lost was found she would prance around in such excitement and thrill.  She is already missed so dearly and our home is certainly not the same.   The couch is empty and her favorite spot in the entryway remains oddly bare. We will always hold a special place in our heart for our Cassidy girl.

Rylan reading Cassidy a book "to make her feel better" just minutes before she died.

So in this time where people are running from mall to mall, I am snuggling up with what is really important to me...my family.  As December has shown us so far, life has and can change in an instant.  Here's to a quiet non incidental week as we all pray for peace for all those families affected by this horrible tragedy.